And it still hurts

I should add a link to the sidebar, or something, I don't know, from my old blog. Then, those of you who have no idea that when I have a meltdown, you could have some kind of reference.

I just watched the movie Changeling. Have you seen it yet? I loved it, really. But if you haven't seen your child in three weeks.....if you have lost a child to death.....then if you have not seen that movie yet, perhaps you should see it with a close friend. See it with someone that you trust. See it with someone that if you start flipping the fuck out with, they will still love you.

That movie strikes such a chord with me. While watching it, that police officer reminded me of my ex. You know, the one who was saying "that is your son, it's just been awhile". The doctor that was observing her "you seem confused, were they lying or were you?" reminded me of my ex husband. And who is my child with now? My ex-husband.

I hate it. I hate every minute of it. Yes, I speak with him everyday. Yes, I see him on the webcam when I can. I live in a town that has NO jobs. What am I supposed to do? Become one of those welfare Mom's? Now, let me get something straight. I am not opposed to government help. But come on. If you knew where I lived, there are no jobs to be had. I hate my ex for that.

Not that it is his fault that the economy is in such a mess, it's just that I'm pissed and I have to have someone to blame. Really, I should blame myself. I didn't have to sign the papers that I did, but I did. He's an ass to the nth degree.....I just was tired of playing his game and did what I had to do to get out. And that.......that is why I hate him so.

I don't know what to do. Wait for a job that may or may not show up? I went today.......again...because I have applied for a job to be a flight attendant for N0rth Americ@n Airlines and they do charter flights, not everyday flights.

I'm in debt up to my eyeballs.

Soooo...I'm in NY staying with my boyfriend thinking I'm good enough to get a job here, speaking with my little guy everynight.

I'm almost broke. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared.