My never ending appreciation for mental penetration

You know how you can be in a shitty mood but walk down the street and a construction worker whistles, or the old man on the corner gives you the once over and it makes you feel a little bit better about, well, everything? Sometimes when I read something so great, it gives me the same feeling.

What I'm referencing is mental penetration. Not just common fodder (which I wish I could be less guilty of) but the kind of thing you read and and it makes you stop and repeat it out loud. Words put together so eloquently that you can taste them in your mouth and it makes you want to say those words too.

...or is it just me...hm..

I heart words:)

It's okay honey, really...

...your toothbrush almost fell into the toilet.

Happy Birthday!!! I love you!!!

I have to say...my boyfriend is hot..tsssssss

Not really a guy post, but if you're confident in your masculinity, read away

Perhaps I should add this to my other post. Nah.

For once in my life, I have the hot boyfriend. Let me preface things first...

Ok, I suppose every boyfriend a girl has is hot at that particular time. Technically speaking, my time that was lasting was with my ex-husband, and after the first two years he wasn't so hot anymore....jeejee...... So far, I've been with my current boyfriend for about eight months.

And oh my god, he's hot.

He still makes me weak at the knees when I think about him. His smell (even when sweaty, ga...yummmm!), his muscles. And oh my god ladies does this man have muscles! I don't mean "I go to the gym I'm toned muscles", I mean the "You touch her and I'll kill you twice" kind of muscles.

Oh, and he's not the gross body building type. I'll have to google around a bit later to find something similar, or maybe I can coerce him into letting me take a pic of him.

When his arms wrap around me in embrace, I feel like a little kitten waiting to be gobbled up by the big dog. And I fucking love every moment.

And just in case anyone is going "what the hell? why is she telling me this?" I'm telling you because I'm bragging. I am a 37 year old woman who has been living a tad bit repressed. Now that I've got something so awesome and glorious, hell ya I'm going to brag.

And tomorrow is my beasty boyfriend's birthday.


Happy early birthday, baby! I love you!!!

I looked at him and could just tell he had a stinky ass, and his girlfriend...um yeah, smelly vagina

warning, you may have to shower after reading...go on, I insist

These were just some of the things running through my mind today as I was on the subway. "Guy" gets on the subway with his "Girl". His attire included those damn baggy ass jeans that hang ever slovenly down. A white? t-shirt, a grundgy zipper hoodie, crooked trucker hat. Her attire included purple faded tights, or I guess they're being called leggings now, a skimpy t-shirt and I swear I can't remember what color it was because of other distracting things, shoes either.

They looked in love, enough I guess. That is, when one wasn't scratching and digging or the other doing that sucking noise one does when one is trying to get stuck beef out of one's teeth.

You know when someone is speaking directly to you but they have something on their face that keeps distracting you from the conversation? These two were distracting me from breathing, I could not look away. They were a train wreck match made in heaven.

Being under my microscopic eye, besides the obvious, I started noticing some things. Some disturbing things. After a particularly good scratch under the armpit (must have been good!), I saw Girl flick her nails. And stuff flew off.....not sans hair either. PUKE! As if on cue, guy took off his trucker hat briefly and did one of those back and forth motions. Yes, stuff flew off.

Gah, they were both pale and looked like they needed dipped in rubbing alcohol, scrubbed with a brillo, dipped in alcohol again, then dried out in the sun for good measure.

You know, I've been in public before without a shower. I didn't like it (because I don't like going anywhere without taking a shower first), but I did it. Although I'm pretty sure I didn't have stuff flying off me either, so I'm not comparing, just saying.

And where was I going with this? Oh yeah, there are just some people that when I look at them I immediately size them up that way. Just when I'm bored with too much time on my hands in the subway.

You need to wash your crotch. You've a smelly bum. Oh god just shave your snatch.

Today was one of those days. Heh.

I want to make soap

My apologies for not finishing my last post.....became busy, then when I had time, well, just didn't feel like it. Right now, I'm in Manhattan staying with my boyfriend.

Yesterday, I had lunch with DoggyBloggy in Chinatown at a little place called The Lunch Box. Very interesting and pleasant enough, although at one point, a crazy lunatic of a man came in screaming at anyone who would listen. At first I thought he may have been a disgruntled customer yelling at the little old Chinese guy. Apparently not, and apparently I was staring because the guy started directing his yelling to me.

I'm not homeless! I'm not some cartoon character! Bitch, I'll knock you the fuck out! Who the fuck do you think you are?? You know who the fuck I am? Well you don't need to know who the fuck I am! I may be old, but I'll beat the fuck out of you! Fucking bitch...and so forth...

This guy was clearly out of his mind. I just looked down and started eating again in hopes he would go away. He did, but wasn't quiet about it.

So many differences between here and my small town Indiana. The guy would never have gotten away with that kind of behavior there. But, here I guess there are so many more crazies just by sheer population. I'm not exactly sure why owners didn't do anything, I'm guessing because they're Chinese and all that their culture entails.

So mister lunatic is off to terrorize another day.

My delicate flower, you know I like it rough, I'm a beast

Since my divorce, I've been doing a bit of new found experimenting with my boyfriend. Yes, in our respective rolls, I am the beast and he is the delicate flower. If you were to see him, you would think the opposite, he's pretty hunky and muscle-y...and I, well, appear to be a delicate flower, jeejeejee.

I thoroughly enjoy my new sex life, so far it's not been boring or drab or any of those blah words. Afterward, I always feel like high-fiving someone it's that good.

Oooo, just checked the time...have to go get ready for school...I'll finish up later:)

Guys! Note to self: Don't show up on a first date in track pants!

My friend Shelley and I were talking today after class....and she brought up a date story I had told her about before I had gotten married. Obviously, she was in need of a good laugh.

I met this guy through a friend....a friend of a friend you could say. Ha! He seemed pleasant enough through phone conversations (this was before texting and internet stuff, for me anyway), so I decided to go out with him. I told him I would meet him in his town vs. mine. There was waaaay more to offer than here. Secretly, I was hoping he would take me to a place nothing less than spectacular. He was a lawyer for cripes sake, so I guess my expectations were a bit high to begin with.

We met in a shopping mall parking lot. I drove up with much anticipation. I had seen a picture of him, so I was in the know a little bit of what to expect. He was 6'4" and from the pic appeared to weigh about 250, and not the muscular kind....but that was ok! I was working on liking the person, not the appearance.

.....but I digress

I get out of my car and I swear, I see him "arise" out of his. And I don't mean "arise" as in the parting of the seas arise. I mean when he got out of his car, the driver's side shot up a foot from the weight relief. I shit you not.

holyshit holyshit holyshit

So I say to myself, "ok. it was an older picture....let's not forget we are trying to focus on personality, not appearance!"

but oh good god...are you fucking KIDDING me?

I'm standing there by my car door. Not only do I see him, but I smell him. Oh my god the cologne.....he must inject it, piss it out, then drink it, I think. He wreeeeeeaked. AND! not only were my olfactory senses being assaulted, but as the parking lot lights came into play, so did his semi-track suit.

oh my god are you KIDDING me?

He was wearing black running pants, the kind with the two white stripes on the side, a polo shirt, and a leather jacket.....and don't forget the tennis shoes.

I'm sure I had a look of bewilderment on my face, to say the least...and these words emit from his mouth..."Wow, you dressed up!"

Well no fucking shit dipshit dumbass assface of course I dressed up....I drove a fucking hour and a half because your little city has so soooo much more variety to offer than my doo-hicky town and of course I fucking dressed up....dumbass assface asshat dumbass.

But there I was...still trying to save him.

"ok" I say to myself..."maybe he is going to take me to someplace intimate...a little mom and pop place that is not only exquisite, but extremely romantic....he knows the owners and he doesn't need to dress up to impress ..hell, he's got the whole fucking place just for us!"

Michelle, Michelle, Michelle

All this is racing through my mind. We exchange quick pleasantries and I get into his car. Oh my god that smell.

Then he utters.....

Him: Soooo, what do you feel like?
Me: Oh I don't know, what do you have in mind?

Him: How about Red Lobster?
Me: Are you fucking kidding me? no, I didn't say that, but you know I was thinking it.

save him Michelle, keep going.....

Me: No, I don't really feel like fish....what else is there?

Knowing full well, this is a college town...there are TONS of great places to eat. I wasn't raised in the town, but at the time, I had lived there long enough to know that little tid-bit, sheesh....

Him: Well, there's an Outback, a Sizzler, and...

and before he could get the third place out, I said

Me: Outback will do.

Because, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????

He didn't have a plan at all! Noooo beautiful place to eat!!! Nooooo romanic little Mom and Pop place...Gaaaaah!

We walk into the restaurant, get seated, get menus. I order an appitizer, the biggest one so we can share. But I notice, he never opens his menu...what's up with that?

Ok, ok, it's Outback, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to order. So I say...

Me: I ordered the large one so we could share.
Him: It's okay, I won't eat it. I'm sure it will smell good though!

Wha?

Then these thoughts come racing back to me. I vaguely remember him telling me that he doesn't eat much meat.

Me: Ohhh, ok...

Small talk is made. Honestly, I don't remember. The appetizer arrives and I eat almost all of it, but hey, no biggie.

The waitress comes by and asks if we are ready to order. I have fillet with some stuff (yeah, I can't remember, think it was mashed potatoes and broccoli), and he orders a baked potato.

that is all. a baked potatoe.

I look at him and he smiles really big. As the waitress leaves, I say...

Me: That's all you're going to eat??? A baked potato???
Him: That's all I ever get when I go out, a baked potato.

Me: Wow
Him: You should see when my daughter comes out with me! The only thing she'll order is macaroni and cheese, so we get a baked potato and mac and cheese!

Me: You could do that at home....(I spoke with such a whisper that I think he didn't hear me, it was more of me thinking outloud)
Him: ... .....

By this time, I'm in all out "I don't give a shit anymore" mode. This guy could not be saved. Nuh uh, nada, zilch and I didn't give a shit.

My food came and by god I ate almost every bite.

...more small talk......

After I devoured it all, almost, I noticed he still had baked potato left. Ew....he fucking squeezed into the booth people.....

Him: You want dessert?
Me: No, no thank you.

Him: I didn't eat all of this and I'm already full!

because you ate two packages of hotdogs before we met

Me: Uh, yeah I see that.

I wanted to exit soo badly.......we drove back to my car and I thanked him for dinner.

I never returned his calls and he eventually quit calling.

You know, I didn't care how much money he made, how big his house was, or how many gifts I could have been showered with, there was no way in hell I could have or would have a relationship with that person!

Looking back, it is funny....well, at least Shelley thinks so;P

*** Oh my gosh, I forgot to mention the raw hamburger......

After the 'mac~n~cheese' story and before my 'I don't give a shit' mode, I asked him a question..

Me: Sooo, what DO you eat?
Him: I like pizza, hotdogs, you know....

So he likes to eat shit....okaaaay (which I eat that stuff too, but it's not my whole diet)

Me: You don't eat meat?
Him: Oh I love the smell! But I can chew and chew, I just can't swallow it.

Me: So no meat at all?? wow.
Him: Well, I can eat raw hamburger.



And the whole time, he's smiling and keeps making this 'a-hil a-hil' noise (imagine the 'hil' part going up about three octaves) and he would sigh making this noise 'a-hillllluh' that contained some remnants of a yodel. I shit you not.

Avoiding eye contact as much as possible, but at times when I did catch a glimpse of him, he wasn't just looking at me, he was looking at me like I had pizza smeared all over me with added hotdog accessories.

heehee...a-hil a-hil a-hil