Sometimes things just happen, no rhyme or reason, it just...happens...
Something like that has happened to me. No, no new man, no windfall of money (I wish)...maybe it was just a choice I made.
I'm happy.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Sunday, December 13, 2009
It has been awhile...
Whoever thought I would end up in Houston...
To think about the 'how's' and 'why's' of what brought me here is exhausting...if I keep writing as I would like, it will leak out eventually.
For now, I need to write. Not explain, just write.
I don't want to be in simple existance anymore, I want to live. I'm not sure how. I feel trapped in my own mind. Doing what needs doing...going where I need to go. Acutal living? Pfft, what's that?
When I was married, I felt trapped. I'm no longer married and the feeling is still there.
Relationships shouldn't have to be so hard. Ups and downs, sure...but love. I've experienced a rare couple of times this love.
I'm heartbroken. I don't want to be a slow learner, but I can't seem to let go.
Lies, lies, lies, lies...and did I mention the lies? I don't think I've ever hated someone as equally loved them. It's madness. It's unhealthy.
And if by chance anyone reads this that are friends with me, please keep your advice to yourself. I know how you feel...you've told me over and over till you make me want to puke.
To think about the 'how's' and 'why's' of what brought me here is exhausting...if I keep writing as I would like, it will leak out eventually.
For now, I need to write. Not explain, just write.
I don't want to be in simple existance anymore, I want to live. I'm not sure how. I feel trapped in my own mind. Doing what needs doing...going where I need to go. Acutal living? Pfft, what's that?
When I was married, I felt trapped. I'm no longer married and the feeling is still there.
Relationships shouldn't have to be so hard. Ups and downs, sure...but love. I've experienced a rare couple of times this love.
I'm heartbroken. I don't want to be a slow learner, but I can't seem to let go.
Lies, lies, lies, lies...and did I mention the lies? I don't think I've ever hated someone as equally loved them. It's madness. It's unhealthy.
And if by chance anyone reads this that are friends with me, please keep your advice to yourself. I know how you feel...you've told me over and over till you make me want to puke.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Are you an asshole? No, wait, I spoke with all of them today
Not really of course, just two. Slumlord Landlord and my ex husband.
Ex sent me a text last night asking me if I would be back in Indiana today and if I was going to be, would I be picking Steve up after school. He needed to know so he could tell his Dad not to pick him up. I said yes to both.
What do I see when I pull up to the house? His dad sitting in the driveway. The bus is down the block, I see Steve walking. I'm on my cell calling the ex. He said "oh shit, I forgot....well, you just talk to him and tell him"...I said, "jesus christ just call him and tell him now" and he tells me this through clenched teeth, I've heard the clenched teeth before, "Okay Michelle, I have nothing better to do than fucking kiss your ass, so I'll call him."
I think I went from 0 to 60 and as calmly as I could muster said, "I'm not asking you to kiss my ass I'm asking you to do what you said you would do last night"
He hung up.
So Steve is almost to the driveway and I step out and say "Ex said he forgot"....Ex's dad just smiles and gives a wave and an ok.
Ex calls me back and tells me that his Dad doesn't have his cell phone with him to call. I told him it was alright, I took care of it.
I don't want to have to speak with his parents. The last time I had to be around my ex FIL, he would not look at me, not acknowledge me in any way, shape or form. So no, I do not want to have to speak with him if I don't have to.
Steve gets into the car, and we head off to get his haircut. He has Spring pics tomorrow:D. When we are leaving, I say "let's go see Lisa and Mason!" She used to live near us and Mason and Steve were best buddies for one summer.
We're having some small talk about me moving and I tell him that I need to speak with his father about all of this because we hadn't really spoken. Then I add, "except for the texts last night about me picking him up today and how I wish he hadn't forgot to tell your grandpa because it was a wasted trip for him". Steve replied with "oh, he talked to Grandpa last night. He told Grandpa that you (meaning ME) might not show up so Grandpa said he'd be there just in case."
What the fuck?!!! I don't tell my kids I'll be there and not be!!!
The hell!!! He just wants to make me look bad to his dad???
Jerky McJerkface Motherfucker anyway.
pfft.
Ex sent me a text last night asking me if I would be back in Indiana today and if I was going to be, would I be picking Steve up after school. He needed to know so he could tell his Dad not to pick him up. I said yes to both.
What do I see when I pull up to the house? His dad sitting in the driveway. The bus is down the block, I see Steve walking. I'm on my cell calling the ex. He said "oh shit, I forgot....well, you just talk to him and tell him"...I said, "jesus christ just call him and tell him now" and he tells me this through clenched teeth, I've heard the clenched teeth before, "Okay Michelle, I have nothing better to do than fucking kiss your ass, so I'll call him."
I think I went from 0 to 60 and as calmly as I could muster said, "I'm not asking you to kiss my ass I'm asking you to do what you said you would do last night"
He hung up.
So Steve is almost to the driveway and I step out and say "Ex said he forgot"....Ex's dad just smiles and gives a wave and an ok.
Ex calls me back and tells me that his Dad doesn't have his cell phone with him to call. I told him it was alright, I took care of it.
I don't want to have to speak with his parents. The last time I had to be around my ex FIL, he would not look at me, not acknowledge me in any way, shape or form. So no, I do not want to have to speak with him if I don't have to.
Steve gets into the car, and we head off to get his haircut. He has Spring pics tomorrow:D. When we are leaving, I say "let's go see Lisa and Mason!" She used to live near us and Mason and Steve were best buddies for one summer.
We're having some small talk about me moving and I tell him that I need to speak with his father about all of this because we hadn't really spoken. Then I add, "except for the texts last night about me picking him up today and how I wish he hadn't forgot to tell your grandpa because it was a wasted trip for him". Steve replied with "oh, he talked to Grandpa last night. He told Grandpa that you (meaning ME) might not show up so Grandpa said he'd be there just in case."
What the fuck?!!! I don't tell my kids I'll be there and not be!!!
The hell!!! He just wants to make me look bad to his dad???
Jerky McJerkface Motherfucker anyway.
pfft.
Landlord Slumlord
When I started renting from my landlord back in July, I thought 'wow, he's nice!' because I started renting in mid-July, so he only charged me for half a month's rent. In August, I paid my rent mid-month without even thinking about it. On the 10th of September, I remember because I was in Manhattan, he called me. 'Michelle, we need to talk about your rent.' I was all 'what? I'm in Manhattan, I'll be back late the 12th so I'll be paying you on the 13th after class'. I followed this with '...I paid mid-month last month because of the previous month'. He countered with 'There is a $3 fee for everyday that you pay late past the first.'.........ahhhh, I get it now. Jerk.
So today I went in and paid half a month's rent. The little girl who took my money went to the back to get him because I had lost his phone number (if I'd known he was back there to begin with, I would have just asked to speak with him directly).
Annnnyway, he comes up and looks at the receipt his secretary has made for me and looks at me and says, "well Michelle, I can't accept this because the state law in Indiana requires landlords to have 30 days notice"....I said "With all due respect sir, the agreement we had between us has all been verbal. You can't just tell me now and expect me to pay up. One can't squeeze blood out of a turnip. (yes, I actually said that) You have my deposit. Can you not use half of it?" He said, "it all depends on how much I have to pay for cleaning".....I told him I'd take care of it. Then I asked him when I could expect my deposit money. He said probably the next day.
What I'm leaving out is the sighing he gave before he even opened his mouth. The little noice he made with his tongue after he said "well Michelle". And not to mention the look that flashed across his face when I said "all been verbal".
I suppose if I wanted to be a big enough bitch I could get my whole deposit, or try to at the very least. But I'm finished playing that stupid fucking game people try to play. If it was big (like thousands of dollars big) I'd persue. But it's not. I flat out don't have the energy to spare on douchbags like him who want to play the rules card when it's to their favor. Hell, this place sat empty for a year before I came along.
Greed just does things to people I guess.
Heh, my face is still hot and flushed. But hey! I didn't yell or get all crazied-eyed or anything. Yes, I too am surprised.
So today I went in and paid half a month's rent. The little girl who took my money went to the back to get him because I had lost his phone number (if I'd known he was back there to begin with, I would have just asked to speak with him directly).
Annnnyway, he comes up and looks at the receipt his secretary has made for me and looks at me and says, "well Michelle, I can't accept this because the state law in Indiana requires landlords to have 30 days notice"....I said "With all due respect sir, the agreement we had between us has all been verbal. You can't just tell me now and expect me to pay up. One can't squeeze blood out of a turnip. (yes, I actually said that) You have my deposit. Can you not use half of it?" He said, "it all depends on how much I have to pay for cleaning".....I told him I'd take care of it. Then I asked him when I could expect my deposit money. He said probably the next day.
What I'm leaving out is the sighing he gave before he even opened his mouth. The little noice he made with his tongue after he said "well Michelle". And not to mention the look that flashed across his face when I said "all been verbal".
I suppose if I wanted to be a big enough bitch I could get my whole deposit, or try to at the very least. But I'm finished playing that stupid fucking game people try to play. If it was big (like thousands of dollars big) I'd persue. But it's not. I flat out don't have the energy to spare on douchbags like him who want to play the rules card when it's to their favor. Hell, this place sat empty for a year before I came along.
Greed just does things to people I guess.
Heh, my face is still hot and flushed. But hey! I didn't yell or get all crazied-eyed or anything. Yes, I too am surprised.
Friday, March 27, 2009
And with my telekinetic powers, I will move this heart...
I've been lying here thinking of what I'm going to do today and then I smell toast. Either from a number of little deli's that surround me or a random neighbor.
So my mind trails and I think of how good baking pie smells when you walk in from the cold. Cakes or cookies smell fabu, too. I'm thinking of Thanksgiving, I guess.
I miss little feet. Not the smell, jeje, but the sound. It's funny how one doesn't notice things until they are blindingly not there.
Before I was thinking about toast, I was thinking I need to make a plan. It doesn't appear that I'll be working here in NY, so that means I'll be moving South. I've a dear friend that is willing to allow me to stay with her, paying rent of course (but nowhere near what I'm paying now), and finding a job in her area.
Most of my childhood was spent being raised in the south, so I won't be completely shell-shocked;-)
This time last year, I was making plans to go to Japan and dealing with a messy divorce. The year before that, I was toying with the idea of returning to school.
Will I ever be unpacked? Since I was 16 years old, I have never been fully unpacked (btw, I'm 37 going on 38).
When I was 16, my parents moved from KY back to Indiana. We lived with Grandpa, then with Grandma, then I basically left home. Drifting from one friend to the next, even through marriage, my things, my special things, have remained in a box. To type that out, now that it's not a random thought swirling around in my head, seems kinda pathetic.
I know I'm not alone though. I can't be. The sheer amount of people on the planet, statistically speaking, tells me I can't be alone.
My Plan A failed. You know, family, husband, home, college...that plan. Now I need to work on Plan B and get my shit together. The thought of having to start over in life scares the hell out of me, but at the same time, not knowing anything is even worse and I'd rather have some kind of goal to be working toward than to be wandering aimlessly. Where there's a will, there's a way, right?
And my apologies for this and my last post for being Debbie Downers. My thoughts tend to be a bit ADD as far as subject, but pretty much remain theme focused at least.
So my mind trails and I think of how good baking pie smells when you walk in from the cold. Cakes or cookies smell fabu, too. I'm thinking of Thanksgiving, I guess.
I miss little feet. Not the smell, jeje, but the sound. It's funny how one doesn't notice things until they are blindingly not there.
Before I was thinking about toast, I was thinking I need to make a plan. It doesn't appear that I'll be working here in NY, so that means I'll be moving South. I've a dear friend that is willing to allow me to stay with her, paying rent of course (but nowhere near what I'm paying now), and finding a job in her area.
Most of my childhood was spent being raised in the south, so I won't be completely shell-shocked;-)
This time last year, I was making plans to go to Japan and dealing with a messy divorce. The year before that, I was toying with the idea of returning to school.
Will I ever be unpacked? Since I was 16 years old, I have never been fully unpacked (btw, I'm 37 going on 38).
When I was 16, my parents moved from KY back to Indiana. We lived with Grandpa, then with Grandma, then I basically left home. Drifting from one friend to the next, even through marriage, my things, my special things, have remained in a box. To type that out, now that it's not a random thought swirling around in my head, seems kinda pathetic.
I know I'm not alone though. I can't be. The sheer amount of people on the planet, statistically speaking, tells me I can't be alone.
My Plan A failed. You know, family, husband, home, college...that plan. Now I need to work on Plan B and get my shit together. The thought of having to start over in life scares the hell out of me, but at the same time, not knowing anything is even worse and I'd rather have some kind of goal to be working toward than to be wandering aimlessly. Where there's a will, there's a way, right?
And my apologies for this and my last post for being Debbie Downers. My thoughts tend to be a bit ADD as far as subject, but pretty much remain theme focused at least.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
And it still hurts
I should add a link to the sidebar, or something, I don't know, from my old blog. Then, those of you who have no idea that when I have a meltdown, you could have some kind of reference.
I just watched the movie Changeling. Have you seen it yet? I loved it, really. But if you haven't seen your child in three weeks.....if you have lost a child to death.....then if you have not seen that movie yet, perhaps you should see it with a close friend. See it with someone that you trust. See it with someone that if you start flipping the fuck out with, they will still love you.
That movie strikes such a chord with me. While watching it, that police officer reminded me of my ex. You know, the one who was saying "that is your son, it's just been awhile". The doctor that was observing her "you seem confused, were they lying or were you?" reminded me of my ex husband. And who is my child with now? My ex-husband.
I hate it. I hate every minute of it. Yes, I speak with him everyday. Yes, I see him on the webcam when I can. I live in a town that has NO jobs. What am I supposed to do? Become one of those welfare Mom's? Now, let me get something straight. I am not opposed to government help. But come on. If you knew where I lived, there are no jobs to be had. I hate my ex for that.
Not that it is his fault that the economy is in such a mess, it's just that I'm pissed and I have to have someone to blame. Really, I should blame myself. I didn't have to sign the papers that I did, but I did. He's an ass to the nth degree.....I just was tired of playing his game and did what I had to do to get out. And that.......that is why I hate him so.
I don't know what to do. Wait for a job that may or may not show up? I went today.......again...because I have applied for a job to be a flight attendant for N0rth Americ@n Airlines and they do charter flights, not everyday flights.
I'm in debt up to my eyeballs.
Soooo...I'm in NY staying with my boyfriend thinking I'm good enough to get a job here, speaking with my little guy everynight.
I'm almost broke. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared.
I just watched the movie Changeling. Have you seen it yet? I loved it, really. But if you haven't seen your child in three weeks.....if you have lost a child to death.....then if you have not seen that movie yet, perhaps you should see it with a close friend. See it with someone that you trust. See it with someone that if you start flipping the fuck out with, they will still love you.
That movie strikes such a chord with me. While watching it, that police officer reminded me of my ex. You know, the one who was saying "that is your son, it's just been awhile". The doctor that was observing her "you seem confused, were they lying or were you?" reminded me of my ex husband. And who is my child with now? My ex-husband.
I hate it. I hate every minute of it. Yes, I speak with him everyday. Yes, I see him on the webcam when I can. I live in a town that has NO jobs. What am I supposed to do? Become one of those welfare Mom's? Now, let me get something straight. I am not opposed to government help. But come on. If you knew where I lived, there are no jobs to be had. I hate my ex for that.
Not that it is his fault that the economy is in such a mess, it's just that I'm pissed and I have to have someone to blame. Really, I should blame myself. I didn't have to sign the papers that I did, but I did. He's an ass to the nth degree.....I just was tired of playing his game and did what I had to do to get out. And that.......that is why I hate him so.
I don't know what to do. Wait for a job that may or may not show up? I went today.......again...because I have applied for a job to be a flight attendant for N0rth Americ@n Airlines and they do charter flights, not everyday flights.
I'm in debt up to my eyeballs.
Soooo...I'm in NY staying with my boyfriend thinking I'm good enough to get a job here, speaking with my little guy everynight.
I'm almost broke. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared.
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